My Journey

April 10th 2015 was the same as any other day.  Until something happened that would change my life forever.

You see, I had JUST discovered that I was pregnant.  After five long years of trying to conceive around work, basic training, and deployments it had finally happened.  I was going to have a baby and our little family was going to grow in nine short months.

But my joy was short lived.  It was on that day, April 10th, that I miscarried that precious baby that I was so excited about.  All my excitement came crashing down around me in that one day and I knew that I wold never be the same.

A miscarriage is something that a woman is never prepared for.  There is always a possibility that it could happen but any expecting mother pushes that fear aside and focuses on the joy that comes with knowing you will be holding a precious child in your arms in just months.  Nothing can ever prepare you to lose a child.

My miscarriage came just before Mother's Day.  The one day of the year where Mothers are recognized, celebrated.  I stayed at home in my bed.  When I woke that morning I had told my husband that there was no way I would be going to church that day.  The pain was too raw, my grief too deep.  I knew that going to church and watching mothers be recognized, knowing that I was not going to be able to share in their joy, questioning whether I was a mother or not, was too much.  So I curled up and wept.

As the days and months went on the deep pain in my heart never disappeared.  I simply learned to live with it.  The smallest things would make me dissolve into tears;  hearing of another who got pregnant, learning of a friend who just gave birth, and the date of the 10th each month on the calendar.

It was hard!

But grief is never easy.  It is something that has to be allowed a release.  Something that you learn to cope with.  They say time heals all wounds, and I kept telling myself that.  But, they lied.  The hole in my heart where my child should be will always be there.

What I had to learn the hard way was how to respond to that ache deep in my soul.

For the second time in my life I became angry at God.  I knew He had a perfect plan for my life.  I knew that He had to have had a reason to allow this to happen.  But me, being human, couldn't understand it.  I still don't.

I was angry that God would allow me to conceive only to rip that precious blessing from me.  I was angry that God allowed others around me to be able to have children with seemingly no complications at all.  I was angry that so many around me were able to have children when I was childless.  I was angry that God would allow so many who didn't care for children, or even want to have them, to be blessed with them while there were others around the world who so desperately wanted to have children but couldn't for any number of reasons.

In my mind it wasn't fair.

I spent several hours talking with a friend of mine.  She spent many years struggling to carry a child to term and was blessed with two beautiful daughters.  This friend understood my pain, my heartache, my struggles, and my anger.  She had walked this same road several times before.

During many of our discussions we would talk about the pain of loosing a child during pregnancy, the struggle to be happy for those who seem to have no issues conceiving, and most importantly how to move on.

One day she described something to me that really helped.  This friend asked if I knew about the life of a butterfly.  She then went on to explain that when a butterfly is just a caterpillar it isn't pretty, or graceful.  In fact, many think it is ugly.  But one day this caterpillar will wrap itself up for a time, escape from the world and just be.  Then, days later, what used to be this little caterpillar will emerge from isolation, spread it's beautiful new wings, and FLY!

My friend explained to me that our life was much like that of a butterfly.  Our lives start out as a caterpillar.  Nothing spectacular or particularly unique.  Then, one day, something will happen to cause us to go into a cocoon.  It could be anything;  a death in the family, financial hardship, or in our cases losing a baby.  It's not what sends us into that cocoon that defines us, but what we are when we emerge.

Many people in life stay in that little cocoon after something happens in their lives.  They allow it to consume them, to dictate everything that they do.  It can not break just them, but affect so many others in their lives at the same time.

My friend knew from experience that I couldn't stay in that cocoon.  I had to emerge!  And she knew that just as the caterpillar is transformed into this beautiful, amazing, graceful, and free creature I would be as well.  I would be able to use my personal experience in my ministry to others and help another grieving mother through the same tragedy.

So what did I do?  I prayed every day that I would be just that.  That I could allow Him to work through this trial in my life and that I would come out the other side a stronger, more confident woman.  That I would be able to take this devastating event in my life and use it to help others.

I wanted to be a butterfly!!

Then I did something that I never imagined I would do.  Something that people to this day are still surprised about.  I got a tattoo.

It wasn't something I did lightly.  I spent a long time thinking about it.  But, in the end, I wanted a daily, visual reminder of what my good friend had shown me, a way to share my story with others.

My tattoo consist of the word "Hope" and a pink butterfly.  The word "Hope" is a daily reminder that there is hope in Jesus, hope that one day I will have a child of my own to love and care for.  There is an awareness ribbon the the H of hope that is half pink and half blue, for miscarriage and baby loss awareness.  The butterfly is a reminder that I am stronger now, that no matter what bad or ugly thing happens in my life I am always able to come out the other side even more beautiful than I was going in.  A reminder that God can use anything in my life to mold me into what He wants me to be.

The months that followed were still hard.  I still cried over the loss of my baby, but I had hope.  Hope that one day I could use this event in my life to share Jesus with someone else.

One day, several months later, I was doing a Bible study in preparation for a book that I am working on.  I was studying the story of the rich young ruler and how he had been told by Jesus to give up everything that he had and follow Him.  The young man had walked away, devastated, because his wealth was great.

As I was reading this story in the gospels another, much smaller story stood out to me.  You see, there is this little snippet in the Bible where Jesus was teaching.  People had brought children to Him to pray over and bless but the disciples had essentially told them to just go away.  Jesus then does something that a lot of adults today wont even do.  He turns and tells His disciples to let the children come to Him.  Christ then goes on to say that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.  I suddenly felt a weight lifted from my chest.  Even during the busiest times of His ministry on Earth Christ made time for children.  He held them, blessed them, and told the world how precious they were.

Peace settled in my heart for the first time in months as I realized that my precious child was safe in the arms of Jesus.  That His arms were the first to wrap around my child.  For the first time I was able to smile just a bit thinking about the baby that I carried for just a very short time.

It was while I was thinking about this story that a very close friend texted me to tell me some bad news.  She had just had a miscarriage.  My heart broke into a million pieces all over again knowing the pain and grief that she was experiencing.  I knew how much it hurt to be elated over the impending arrival of a little bundle of joy only for that joy to be suddenly ripped from you leaving a gaping hole in your heart in it's place.  In that moment I knew why God had allowed me to experience what I had.  It was so that I could be there for others that go through the same thing.

There have been plenty of times over the last year and a half that I dissolve into tears thinking about my baby.  The hardest times come in the form of a due date, the arrival and then sudden death of a nephew, the one year anniversary of my miscarriage, holding a beautiful baby girl that was placed in our care in my arms as she sleeps and knowing that I will never experience that with the child I lost, explaining to people why a conservative missionary kid would do something as crazy as get a tattoo, trying my best to be happy for those who announce a pregnancy or have a baby when all I want is the chance to do the same.

I have watched as two people very close to me, who have both suffered the loss of a child in early pregnancy and in early infancy have been able to conceive again and now have beautiful baby boys.  Even as I am beyond excited for them there is the familiar ache in my chest from the loss of my own child.

The grief is ever present, the longing to hold my own child ever near, but through God's grace I am able to share in the joy of others who have walked a similar path.

I still don't fully understand why God allowed my precious baby to be taken from me before I ever even held her.  But, He has given me a peace, an understanding, a knowing that even though I am that one in four women who will experience a miscarriage I can have hope.  He has a plan for my life and even though I may not be able to look past the next day He sees my future, holds it in His hands.




Proof of that fact is named Andrew Leon.  Andrew is a little boy that is 15 days old.  We were given the opportunity to bring him home from the hospital and add him to our family through adoption.  I thank God every day for giving me the opportunity to be "Mommy" to this precious little bundle of joy.

There are still moments when I miss my own precious child.  When I gaze down and the smiling face of a sleeping baby in my arms and wonder what my own baby would look like.  There is still moments of pain, grief, and yes, even anger at times when I think of my baby.  But then I remind myself that even as I hold baby Andrew in my arms my own child is safe in the arms of Jesus.

And let me tell you my friends, there is no better place to be than in the arms of Jesus!

Freely Given - Introduction

I can't get the phrase "Freely Given" out of my head.  It was implanted in my mind about four and a half months ago.  You see, that was when I had a miscarriage at five weeks pregnant.  It devastated me and I honestly didn't know how I was going to go on.  I had lost a child that I had never had the chance to meet.  But then God gave me this idea, this message, this comfort.

Let's explore the meaning of the phrase "Freely Given" for a moment.

Freely:  Merriam Webster describes freely as being done of one's own accord, with freedom from external control, without restraint or reservation.

This indicates that doing something freely means that one does it of their own will, without an outside force, and without holding back.

Given: The Oxford English Dictionary describes this as the past participle of the word give.  To give something means you freely, or of ones own accord, devote, set aside, or sacrifice for a purpose.

From the definitions above we can then conclude that to have 'Freely Given' something means that you of your own free will and choice devote, set aside, or sacrifice something for a specific purpose.

You may be asking what that means to me?  That is precisely what I want to explore in the next few blog posts.  These two words mean so much to me now that I have a new understanding of life, love, and loss.  My hope is that by sharing my thoughts and experience with you I can share with you the profound truth that God has taken the opportunity to share with me.

I invite you to join me on this journey of discovery!

Once In A Lifetime BFF

Making friends isn't always easy.  Especially for a missionary kid like myself.  We traveled around a lot and the friends that I did make didn't always last.  These facts made making and keeping a good friend hard.  I didn't really have anyone that really understood me, that I could tell my secrets too, that knew my deepest, darkest, and sometimes creepiest thoughts.

Then, one day that all changed.

You know when you meet someone and that moment in time changes you for the rest of your life?  I have experienced two of those moments.  Once was when I met my amazing husband.

The second moment happened 18 years ago.  We were celebrating the Fourth of July on the mission field with a whole bunch of missionary families.  The party was just getting ready to start when a new missionary family arrived.  They had several kids, five to be exact, and my sister and I couldn't believe that there were that many kids in one family!  We had never really known a family that large before.

It wasn't all that long later that I found the youngest of the five sitting on a bench.  I knew what she was probably feeling, alone, scared, maybe even sad.  She was living in a new country and with a whole bunch of strange people that she didn't know.  Knowing how hard it is to make friends I decided that I would make things easier and I approached her.  As I sat down on the bench beside her I had no idea how that moment would change my life for forever.

From the moment we spoke to each other we were friends, good friends.

Our friendship was one that consisted of hanging out whenever we could convince our parents to let us.  Not going more than an arms length away when together unless extremely necessary.  Creating a secret code for any written messages.  Getting up before dawn during camp just so we could have a few quiet moments to talk and enjoy a sunrise together.  Staying up all night until seven in the morning during a sleepover only to get up two hours later, all so we could enjoy every single moment together before we had to go our separate ways.  We even came up with nicknames for each other and used them when together.  We were inseparable.

Like all kids though we had to grow up.  We graduated from High School and went our separate ways to college.  Our relationship changed.  It got stronger.  We went at least two years without seeing each other and yet, when we met up again, it was like we had never been apart.  We still knew each other an a deeper level than we knew anyone else.

Even now, years later, we are still friends.  The type of friends who can go five years without seeing each other, barely talking, and yet still know the other so well that words aren't necessary.  The kind of friends that make fools of themselves when they meet in public places because they are too excited to see each other to contain it, and don't care what others think.  The kind of friends that will drop everything on a moments notice in order to be there for the other, even if it means travelling across three states.

This woman has been my friend, my best friend, for just over 18 years now and I wouldn't have it any other way.  We've been there for each other through separation, joy, sadness, grief...even loss.  Goodness, we are both even military wives, and no, we didn't plan that!

My friendship with this woman is unlike any other I have ever, or will ever have.  She is my confidant, my fellow trouble maker, my shoulder to cry on... but most importantly, my friend.

My dear Ace.  The Lord knew what he was doing when he put us together on that bench that Fourth of July all that time ago.  He knew that we would become forever friends and has kept our friendship strong, and growing stronger, through the years.  There are so many times that I don't know what I would have done had you not been there for me.  So THANK YOU!!!  For being my friend, my best friend, my once in a lifetime friend!

I love you Ace!!

Father's Day

I am a Daddy's Girl!

I have been for as long as I can remember.  In fact, one of my favorite memories of my dad was the year that I got to spend his anniversary with him instead of my mom.  I know, I know, he should have been able to spend it with her but he had to go speak at a church and my mom needed to stay at our home church that week.

I remember being so excited that I got to spend time alone with Daddy.  We traveled I don't even remember where.  We spent hours in the car, some of which I slept.  We visited this little church where the parsonage was a really old fire house that used to house horses (I think).  But most importantly, we got to spend some quality time together.

My favorite part about that trip was when we stopped to tour a submarine.  I remember being so excited because it was something that I alone got to share with my Daddy.  We walked through this submarine that was a bit cramped inside but that didn't matter to me, I was with my dad.

Throughout the years my relationship with my Dad has changed.  I am no longer the little girl that would sit on her Father's lap at bedtime and pretend to fall asleep just so that he would have to carry me to bed.  I am no longer the girl who tried to squeeze between mommy and daddy when they kissed just because I could.

I am no longer the little girl that would get in trouble for not cleaning my room, or for putting everything in my kitchen set and under my bed so my room would look clean.  I no longer get spankings for being bad, or privileges for being good.  Things have changed.

Some things have NOT changed though.  My dad has always made sure that I knew that he loved me, whether it be the single red rose he would give me on Valentine's Day, or the way he would come in and tuck me into bed at night, or the way he would be there to guide me as I learned to do something new and scary like ride a bike without training wheels.

Dad has also always been there for me, no matter how far away he is.  When I was little he would always be there to pick me up when I fall, to laugh with me when we did something silly, or to hold me when I cried.  These things haven't changed.  I can still run to my Daddy when I need advice, or when I'm scared or worried, and he still holds me when I cry, even if it is from thousands of miles away.

I love my Daddy more than words can say and I am so thankful that he is MY DADDY!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

It's always so much fun to watch my amazing husband interact with children.  As I watch him play with them, hold them, and just be around them I can't help but think that he is going to be an amazing Father one day!

I had thought that it would happen this year, but sadly I was wrong.  Now as I watch him with other children I become sad, knowing that he will never get the chance to meet our sweet little angel baby on this earth.

I continue to pray, constantly, that God will bless us with children and give my husband the chance to be the amazing Father that I know that he will be.  However, until that time comes I simply watch and smile as he enjoys the company of other people's little ones.

Dear husband of mine, I want to wish you a wonderful Father's Day.  Even as this day is sad for me I can smile at least a little as I think about the happy moment that you and our sweet angel baby will share when we finally meet her in Heaven and how much I will smile as I watch you laugh and play together.

Mother's Day - A Bittersweet Affair

I love my mother, with all my heart!

My mother has taught me many lessons over the years.  As a young child she taught me that she loved me unconditionally, that she cared for me whether I was sick or in perfect health, that she would provide for me regardless of what we actually had.  I know that there were times where I was not easy to love, and I'm sure that caring for a child who is sick is not easy, and yet she persisted.

As I grew older her lessons changed.  She still taught me that she would love, care, and provide for me, but there were other lessons as well.  She taught me responsibility, how to be a true friend, and how to take care of the things that I had.  Granted, I didn't always want to clean my room or be nice to people (especially my siblings), but my mother ensured that I knew how to do these things and why they were important.

Throughout the years the lessons evolved and were added to.  My mother taught me not only that she would always love me but that God loves me unconditionally as well and I need to share that love with others.  She showed me that not only will she always care for me but that God does too and that I should care for others in the same way.  I learned from her that she will always provide for me, regardless of how little we have, and that God will do the same for me.  As she taught me responsibility I learned that everything I had was to be taken care of, and that I was to be thankful for what God had provided for our family.  The only reason I have true friends is because my mother taught me how to treat those I care about, how to be a true friend as Christ is to me.

I have learned a lot from my mother over the years and yet she still continues to teach me, as she always has.
When I met the man that I ended up marrying I learned that my mom had been teaching me more about life than I realized.  She was my example of what a wife should really be.  She cared for my father unconditionally.  It was always obvious that she loved him, regardless of whether or not they were disagreeing at the time.  My mother stood by my father through good times and bad, in sickness and in health.  She loved him, honored him, and cherished him and I got to see it every day.

I never realized what a commitment it was to be married, however I knew how it was supposed to look simply from watching my parents and learning from their godly example.  No, they are not perfect.  However, they love each other with a love that only God can give and they will always stand by each other's side.

The lessons my mother has taught me have made me who I am today!  Without the example from my mother I wouldn't know how to stand by my husband in the bad times.  I wouldn't know how to care for him when he is sick and I would be much more likely to give up on my marriage when we disagree.  The lessons that my mother has spent a lifetime teaching me are the reason that I am the woman that I am today.

I love my mother, more than I can describe, and I am so thankful for everything that she has, and is still, teaching me.

I love you Mommy!

As I grew older and got married I started to look forward to the time when I would become a mother and have the chance to teach a little one the same lessons that my mother has taught me.  I looked forward to the day when I would hold a child in my arms and hear them call me "Mommy".  I looked forward to showing a new little child how amazing the world was.  However, that dream has yet to become a reality.

My husband is in the Military.  This means that he is gone for long stretches of time, and has been for the last 3 years.  It is a life that I agreed to, and accept.  However, this has not made it easy for us to have children.

I have spent a long time longing to have a child of my own.  It is a desire that I have had since the day that I married my wonderful husband.  I never imagined that that dream would come with the challenges, and heartbreak, that it has.

This is why Mother's Day is a bittersweet affair for me.

 I love my mother, I always have and I always will, but, I also long to be a mother myself.  There are days that I watch my husband as he plays with a young child and I can easily see how wonderful a Father he will make some day.  I watch new mothers with their babies and long for one of my own to care for, snuggle with, sing to, and teach just as my mother teaches me.  

Not long ago I thought that my dream had come true, that I finally had the chance to make a difference in the life of a child, my child.  But it was not meant to be.

So now here we are, two days before Mother's Day, and my heart aches.  I long for the child that I will never have the chance to hold in my arms, that I will never get to hear call me "Mommy", that I will never get to watch play with my husband.  I miss a child that I never even had the chance to know!

Mother's Day is going to be quite a challenge for me this year.  In fact, I told my husband that I don't even want to go to church on Sunday.  Why? You ask.  The reason is simple.  The day is set aside to honor Mother's, something that I totally agree with.  However, watching as Mothers are honored is going to be heartbreaking.  It makes me question what makes a mother.  Is a mother simply someone who has given birth to a child?  Adopted a child? Do people even realize that there are a lot of women out there who are mothers but simply never had the chance to hold their child in their arms?  Do people even consider those women mothers?

My heart is in pieces that won't ever go back together the same way again and Mother's Day simply shines a light on all the cracks in my heart.  Something that I am not ready for at this point in time.

So on Sunday, as we all honor Mothers, I ask you to remember those who never had the chance to know their child.  There are more Mother's in the world that never had the indescribable pleasure of holding their newborn in their arms and their hearts could very well be breaking all over again.  Keep these mothers in your prayers as we all spend the day Celebrating our own Mothers.

I love you Mom!  Thank you for everything you have done for me!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

My Angel Baby

To Hope - My Dear Sweet Angel Baby, Born to Heaven on April 10, 2015

From the moment you came into my life I loved you, even though it was four weeks before I knew you were even there. You touched my life for the briefest of moments, and yet I love you as if you had been here for an eternity. My love for you will never end!

My heart broke when you went to be with Jesus. I didn't think that we had had enough time together. I never got to meet you, to touch you, to hold you. But, I did get to love you, from the moment you were conceived.

As much as I wanted to hold you in my arms here on earth Jesus had a different plan for your life. He knew that you were too perfect to spend your time here and instead took you to Heaven to live with Him. So now you sit beside Him, in a land of perfect peace.  

There are people up there who love you too, my grandma and daddy’s grandpa. I know they like to play with you, hold you, love you. So keep them company for me, until I can be with you.

Right now I might be crying, because I miss you so. But Mommy really loves you, that I hope you know. We’ll see each other soon and I’ll hold you in my arms, and you’ll know how much I've loved you, right from the very start.

So stay near to Jesus my dear, run and laugh and play. Spend time with the other Angel babies, and when I meet you up there I’ll hold you and we’ll play. Your Daddy and I love you, and can’t wait to meet you soon. But first we need to finish what God had for us to do.

I love you my little sweetheart, and I’m glad that you are mine, even if I only knew you for a tiny space in time.

I will love you always, Mommy

On Behalf of a Grateful Nation...

"On behalf of the President of the United States,

The United States Navy,

and on behalf of a grateful nation

we would like to present you with this flag

in honor of your loved one's service.

Thank you for your sacrifice!"

These words, or something similar, are said as a tightly folded flag is laid in the hands of a grieving family.

I had the honor of attending a funeral for a friend of mine this last week.  He had faithfully served in the U.S. Navy, worked as a civilian for the Air Force, and was a loving Husband, Father and dear friend to many.

As I attended his funeral, with full military honors, I listened to Taps, watched them fold the flag, and heard them say something similar to the above as they passed the ceremoniously folded flag to the family.  We celebrated and honored the life of a man who was a magnificent example of what a godly man should be.

I couldn't help but pray that it is another 100 years before I have to hear those words for myself!  I pray the the rapture happens before that time comes!  But I know that just as my dear friend was surrounded by friends and family that the same will be true for me.

This leads me to my new determination in life. If there is ever a time I can be there for someone during a time like this I will take it.  It is not easy attending things such as this but I imagine that it is almost impossible for someone if they have no one to lean on for support.  I pray that I am able to be a friend and support to anyone I know that may need it during a time such as this.

Beautiful Weather

We have been enjoying some very beautiful weather the last week.  After some major storms that rolled through last month a bit of sunshine is very welcoming.

Yesterday I had the privilege of attending an engagement party for a friend of mine.  It was a lot of fun and it was great to see her and her fiance so happy together.

Since I was right down the road from a movie theater I decided to go see a movie before heading home.

It was a good movie and was nice to have an excuse to be out of the house for a while.

As I was walking along the canal downtown towards my car I realized that it was perfect weather for a nice walk with my hubby.  It got me to missing him and all the times we have walked along that canal together.  I spent the rest of the night missing him.

Today as I was thinking about it I realized how many days of beautiful weather I have to be thankful for so far.  There are so many memories I have of us going to a theme park, the Zoo or just a walk in the park on a nice sunny day.  I cherish all those memories and look forward to adding many more to the ones I already have.

Even though I miss my husband I have promised myself to take every sunny day and fill it with a past memory until I can add a new one to the list!

Anticipation

Do you remember as a little kid, the days/hours leading up to a big event like Christmas, Vacation, or family visiting?

I remember counting down days on the calendar as a kid.  I was always so excited for Christmas, Vacations,  visiting family, Camp and just about anything else.

Usually I would have my bags packed weeks, if not a month, in advance so I wouldn't forget anything.  Then, the night before, I would not sleep hardly at all.  My excitement would keep me up.

Well.... Nothing has changed.  Especially when it comes to visiting my husband.

I the last 5 months we have spent a total of 7 days together (not even all in a row).  I know being in the military means we won't get to see each other near as much, but that doesn't change how excited I am when I do get even just a couple of days to spend with him.

I would start thinking about what I'm taking weeks in advance, and sometimes even start packing that early.  I have the days numbered on my calendar so that I know exactly how many days I have left until I leave.

A couple days before, I start counting down hours as soon as I realize I am down to 48 or less. Then, I can't stop talking about how I can't wait to see him in X number of hours.

Then, the night before, yeah.... might as well not even go to bed because I KNOW I'm not going to be able to sleep.

On the drive down, I might as well be pumped full of caffeine the whole way because even if I'm driving I'm practically bouncing in my seat with excitement (without any caffeine).

Once I get close to where he's at.... I pace until I can see him because I'm that excited.

Once it's time to meet him, I anxiously scan the faces of every man in uniform that walks by..... hoping the next Airman to walk past me is my husband.

Then it happens.... I see him walking towards me and my heart stops!  The time is finally here!!  At that point It doesn't matter if it's been five minutes, five months or five years since I've seen him.  All I want is to be in his arms again.

The time always goes by too fast but the memories that we make (whether it is going to the zoo, a movie or just walking around somewhere) is what keeps me going until the next time I start counting down days.

My Airman

My Airman

 (By: Martha Pruett)

No words can describe

How proud I am of you

Putting everything you have

Into everything you do

Rising early in the morning

Staying up late at night

Spending every free moment

Becoming a unified flight

Classes, marching, saluting too

Rank recognition and learning to shoot

Chain of command, cleaning your gun

Learning to sing in the middle of a run

Seven short weeks left

And then I will see

An Airman in uniform

Smiling down at me

I’ll watch you run in front of me

An Airman’s coin you will receive

Parade, salute and an oath you will say

An Airman you’ll be at the end of the day

No words can describe

How proud I am of you

I hope you realize

How much I LOVE YOU!!!

This is a poem I wrote for Zac about a week or so after he left for Basic.  I sent it to him in a letter, hoping it would be an encouragement to him. 

Communication

(I have re-written this due to the fact that I wasn't 100% happy with the original version.  It ended not being what I was looking for, therefore the new version.)

Communication is the key to every relationship.  For some it is easier to keep up the communication than it is for others.  For those of us who are living a life in the military, either serving or as a spouse, there are different challenges that we face.

We go for days, month, sometimes years without seeing our spouses.  Zac and I went almost 9 weeks while he was at basic where we didn't see each other.  The only form of communication that we had were the letters and brief phone calls on occasion.

I remember, before he left, I made a promise to write him at least once a day while he was at basic.  From the day before he left until about a week before I went to see him(I wanted to make sure he would get the letters so I stopped writing the week before I went to see him) I wrote him everyday, sometimes twice a day.  I would tell him about my day, how work went, how our dog Misty was doing, funny things that were said or done.  I would also tell him about my good days, my bad days and the days that were somewhere in between.  I wanted him to know I was surviving, finding a way to keep busy so I don't miss him as much, and that I am extremely proud of him and love him so very much!

My letters just let him know what was going on in my life.  But, I sent other things as well.  At Christmas myself and a group of others whose men were in the same flight as Zac got a list together and we sent Christmas cards/letters to all the Airmen that we had names for.  I sent a birthday card to the guys in Zac's flight that I knew would have a Birthday while they were in basic.  I sent a page filled with pictures of my latest cake projects just so he could show them off to his buddies.  I printed pictures of me, or us, in some letters so he could see my smile again. I sent pages of funny jokes one time, and another a page full of encouraging quotes and verses the week before he had a field exercise.  Our nephew and I even sat down and colored pictures for Uncle Zac over Christmas.  One of my favorites is the two or three times our dog Misty wrote him letters.  I would add a Bible Verse at the end of each letter so that he could have an encouraging verse each time he read a letter.  I wanted him to know that I supported him, prayed for him, wanted him to laugh and to encourage him!

I also eagerly anticipated a letter from him in my mailbox.  I would check my mail daily hoping for a glimpse of his handwriting on the small blue envelopes I had come to expect from him.  After he was actually able to write and started sending me letters every week I would check my mail, sometimes more than once, near the end of the week hoping that he was able to send me even a short note.  I even remember checking the mail 3 times one day because I knew it was about that time of week where the mailman would deliver a letter from my hubby!  I cherished every word in those letters, sometimes read them 20 times and about memorized some of them.

We would also get short phone calls almost once a week.  I remember making sure my phone was always charged and the volume turned way up so that I would hear it ring if he got the chance to call me for a few minutes.  I would spend my Saturday nights staring at my phone hoping that he would be able to call again like his did last week.  Over Christmas and New Year's I was blessed with the opportunity to talk to him for about an hour.  Seeing as we had only had maybe 15 minutes to call the whole time he had been in Basic this was a HUGE blessing.

Now that he is out of Basic Training we are able to text, talk, Skype  e-mail and still write each other.  There have only been a couple of days in the last 4 months that we haven't talked for at least 10 minutes or more at night.  A lot of times we will talk for an hour or more on the phone or Skype at night, usually about nothing much just going over how fun, or boring, our day was.  We are even able to send packages to each other with little things that we know will make the other person smile!

I am really thankful that I am able to keep in contact with my husband easier now.  I know there are many families who still don't get the chance to talk to their loved ones on a regular basis.  I have learned to cherish every letter, every text, every e-mail and every minute we can call or Skype each other.  This is my lifeline to him and without it my days would be much harder and my nights much longer.

Thank you Lord for Modern Technology and the privilege to communicate daily with my husband!!

School Again

Even though Zac is done with basic, he has to go through almost 7 months of training before he is done.

The good thing about him being in School rather than Basic is the simple fact that now we can talk on the phone every evening.

The first week we would be on the phone, or Skype  for almost an hour each time.  It is a huge relief to be able to talk to him everyday, even if it's just a short text, instead of having only 15 minutes each week, if even that much.

Also, I've been able to visit him once so far and will be visiting again before he is done.

I was thinking the other day, so far Zac has been gone 5 months.  In that time I've only seen him for one week (7 days), it wasn't consecutive day, and even then we weren't able to spend the whole time together.

At times I have felt so overwhelmed with simply being the only one at home, taking care of bills, taking care of a dog that was sick for a week, handling small issues with the car and the simple fact that he wasn't here to  just give me a hug after a bad day.

I know that he will be home before I know it.  I know that God will help me get through anything and everything that comes my way.  I know that I have friends and family there for me.  But, sometimes, a girl just needs to be allowed to have a bad day.

What do I do on those down days?  Usually, Curl up in the living room with a good book or movie and have pizza and soda! (Not very good considering I want to lose weight, but hey, it works).

I do have my good days too.  Those days when he and I get to video chat for 2 hours and be stupid, the days when I get a package from him, or a small handmade card, or when he just tells me how well things are going for him.

I am definitely adjusting to this life.  It has taken time, patience and a lot of prayer but I am surviving.  I think we both will fit in well to the military life before long and I can't wait to see where this road leads us!

Graduation At Last!!

It was Friday, it was a bit chilly and damp, but still a nice morning.  We got up and went to the base to get our seats by 6 am.  We wanted to make sure we had good seats near where Zac's flight would be standing.

We sat for about 3 hours I think.  Someone made a Starbucks run for breakfast and we just talked, waiting nervously for the Graduates to arrive.

As the stands filled I was able to meet families of other men in Zac's flight and we shared stories from the last 8 weeks.

Finally, off in the distance, we could see the flights marching in for the ceremony.

Marching onto the Parade Field

Row, upon row, upon row of men and women in uniform.  Marching in step, with a purpose.  You could feel the level of excitement, anticipation and pride in the stands among the families and friends who had gathered to watch the ceremony.

As the ceremony began a hush fell over those gathered as we stood and listened as the National Anthem was played and all the new Airman stood at attention with a crisp salute to our nations flag.

We then got to watch as all those new Airman marched along the stands, in review.

Flights passing in review.

As his flight passed by I was so excited, I could find him in the formation!  This would make it so much easier to find him after the ceremony.  I felt such pride!!

Finally, we were getting close to the end of the ceremony.  All the flights marched forward as one.  They all recited their oath, and then in one voice recited the Airman's Creed.  The crowd sat in silent wonder as the words echoed off the nearby buildings.  Their voices grew in conviction and and had everyone close to tears as they reached the end.  Calling out in unison the last line... "WE WILL NOT FAIL!"

Immediately following the training instructors marched off the field and the families were allowed to go find their Airman and release them from formation.

I ran to the spot that I knew Zac would be standing and gave him another, massive hug and told him how incredibly proud I am of him.

A much anticipated hug after Graduation.

We enjoyed a nice, leisurely weekend where he didn't have any obligation (except being back to his dorm on time).  I was so thankful to finally have some time with my amazing husband.

I am so thankful that God has brought us to this point in our lives.  It has been quite a journey so far.  There have been difficult times, lonely times, times of utter relief when we have realized that yet again HE has provided for us, and certainly times of great joy.

I can't wait to continue this journey with the man that God has brought into my life, who has worked so hard, and who continues to follow the call of God even into places we could have never imagined.

My Husband and I after the Ceremony

Reunion at last!

It had been the LONGEST 8 1/2 weeks of my life!  

I was a mess the whole 10 hrs we were in the car on the way to Zac's Graduation.  I had spend the last 2 months dreaming about this upcoming weekend and I could hardly believe it was finally here.  I was so excited that I only napped for maybe 2 hrs the whole drive down and was almost bouncing in my seat the final stretch of the trip.  I'm sure I was driving my In-Laws crazy with the amount of energy I had.  I just couldn't wait for the next morning.

Thursday (Airman's Run and Coin Ceremony) dawned cool and drizzly.  The gloomy weather did nothing to affect my mood however.  I was still extremely excited to see my husband. 

We got to the base and walked to the stretch of road where all the graduates were going to run in formation past all the families.  Did our best to stretch out our banner where he could see it and anxiously awaited our my first, in person, glimpse of my wonderful husband!

Finally, after what seemed like hours, they started their run. 

 I stood and watched as my husband ran by with his flight and felt nothing but pride for what he had accomplished so far.

After the run we went to the Retreat Pad where we would watch the Retreat Ceremony (where they lower the flag) then the Coin Ceremony where they trainees officially became Airmen. 

We watched as they marched in, stood in formation and then received their coins.  As soon as the ceremony was over the families were allowed to go find their airman.  

I practically ran from my seat to where his flight was and after a minute of searching I finally found him!  I was so excited that I simply threw my arms around him, I didn't want to ever let go!

We spent the rest of the day on base simply spending time together, and with our families.  After the long weeks of waiting I couldn't believe that I finally got to spend time with him, talk with him for more that 15 minutes, and actually get to hug and kiss him.

The reunion was very sweet, greatly anticipated and made us both so very happy!

Back to Basic

We had not been apart more than 6 weeks before.... and that was the summer I went home to visit family right after we started dating.  Even then, we Skyped as much as possible and IM'd each other every chance we had.

This was a whole new experience for me.  I heard from him for less than 2 minutes the night that he left, this was when he told me that he made it safe, gave me his address, and told me he loved me.

I didn't hear from him again for about two weeks.  Thankfully at that point it was a 15 minute conversation.  I got to hear how he was doing, whether or not he liked it there and more.  The best part about it was just getting to hear his voice for that long.  I was grinning from ear to ear the rest of the week!

I had liked the Air Force Basic Training page on Facebook because I knew that they posted pictures of the trainees on occasion.  It was about week four when I found one single picture of him.

He's the one in the middle of the picture.

I was so excited that I sent it to most of the family and even called a couple of people to tell them that I had found him.  Just seeing him, knowing he was doing ok, and the weekly calls made the separation bearable.  

I think it was about 3 weeks into his training that I got my first letter from him.  Now, I had been writing him about twice a day since the moment he left, but simply seeing a letter from him in my mailbox.... at that point nothing was better.  I kept the letters and would read them a hundred times before the next ones came in the next week.

It was really hard for me, him being away.  I cherished every minute in the phone calls, every letter he sent, even the smell of his cologne on his hoodie that he left at home.  I had my bad days where I didn't even want to get out of bed because I missed him so much.  I also had my good days when I was able to write him an encouraging letter, or send him a picture.  My baking also kept me busy while he was away and helped keep my mind off of how much I wanted him back home.

I even had a weekly countdown, as any military wife/girlfriend/fiance does I'm sure.  My consisted of Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccinos.  I would drink one every Tuesday, starting the Tuesday after he left and drinking the last one the day before I left for his Graduation.  

I kept them all in my fridge at the same time, so that I had a daily visual reminder that the days were going by.  The empty ones would go to a shelf (where they still sit) as another reminder of how far we had made it so far.  It was a pretty good countdown if I may say so myself!

The 8 1/2 weeks at basic seemed to fly by and drag by all at the same time.  There were plenty of tears, stress, smiles and even laughter.  Holidays came and went and at the end I came to the realization that I DID SURVIVE!  

It is only by the grace of God that I didn't have a meltdown while Zac was at Basic.  There were plenty of times that I thought I wouldn't be able to stand another day where I couldn't talk to or see him.  But through it all my family and friends were there for me and so was Zac, through our phone calls and letters.  Plenty of people gave me words on encouragement and prayed for me and at the end we both came out of it having grown in ways we never imagined possible.

I can't say I would want to go through that again, but I now know that I can if it is needed.  Deployment is not something I look forward to, or wish for, but I know that if I can make it through basic then I can rise to any challenge the Military throws at us!

Extreme Pride, Hugs then Tears!

Finally the day arrived.  After over a year of working towards being able to ship off to basic the day is here. Zac stayed at a nearby hotel the night before and his parents and I met him downtown at the federal building to spend a few last hours together with him and watch him swear in before he boarded a plan to leave for Basic Training.

That morning I was a wreck.  I hadn't slept much the night before because I knew what was coming the next day and I was nervous, excited and a bit scared about what the future held.

My In-Laws stopped by and picked up Starbucks before we headed out.  Once we met up with Zac we sat and talked/hung out with brief interruptions when he had short meetings.  I could practically feel the minutes ticking away.

Finally, the time came when we were ushered into a small, private room where a group of recruits were officially sworn in to the United States Military.

I was so proud of my husband at that point that all the worry faded for a few, brief moments.

Shortly after he swore in my In-Laws headed for home.  Zac and I went to the waiting area to spend a few last minutes together.

They were the longest, and shortest, minutes of my life.  We talked about random, totally irrelevant things until the time came where we decided that me being there was too hard for both of us and I should head home.

He walked me out as far as he could and we hugged for the last time for 2 months.  I never wanted to let go!  After our hug we both turned and walked away.  I couldn't turn back to even to look at him one last time because I didn't want him to see the tears streaming down my face.

I made it outside and to my car and had to sit there for almost 15 minutes before I could head for home.  I had only just left him and already I missed him so much.

Thankfully that evening I went out to see a movie and have dinner with friends so that helped take my mind off the fact that the love of my life was going 500 miles away and I didn't know when/if I would hear from him anytime soon.

The night was difficult and adjusting took time, but I have survived and am now counting down the days until he can come home again!

The Journey Begins

Getting married is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me yet (Second to my Salvation).  

I still remember how our story began.... Our first kiss, first holding hands, walks in the park, even flying pigs!!!  

I remember how it continued.  Trips to the Zoo, walks around the African animals, my man on his knee, a ring in his hand..... It was one of the best days of my life.  I felt so blessed that he had decided that I was the woman that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Next came a year and a half of planning, shopping, more planning, a bit of stressing, and even more planning.  The day was going to be perfect.  We chose a beautiful sunny day in the middle of June to be our special day.  We bought the decorations, rented the tuxedos, bought a dress, decorated the church and chose the rings.   I even caved in and got a manicure and pedicure, even though it tickled like crazy.

That day, as I walked down the aisle, looking at the smiling face of the love of my life I couldn't imagine anything better than having the privilege of getting to spend the rest of my life learning more about this man and loving him with my whole heart.  

We finished school a year later and moved to help in a small Church in Oklahoma.  Zac was the youth Pastor and I taught the children's church.  Things were going very well for us.

One day my husband tells me that he's been thinking about joining the Military.  When he first told me I thought he was joking.  Then we talked about it more and I realized he was very serious.  That's when I started doing some serious praying.  I was scared to death of my best friend going to war, being gone for undetermined amounts of time and never knowing when/if he would come home.  I knew that in order for me to be OK with this God was going to have to give me some of His Amazing Peace.


A couple of months later, with an unexplained amount of peace about the situation, we decided that this was the path God has chosen for us.  The next week he walked into the recruiters office and began the journey that has brought him into the United States Air Force.

It has been a long journey so far, and yet it has only begun.  If it weren't for the amazing God that we serve I would have never survived this far. 

At this point, I could not be more proud of the man I married almost 4 years ago.  He is determined, hard working and won't give up even when things get tough.  He has made a fantastic Airman so far and will only be more so with time!

Thank you Lord for the man you brought into my life to share it with!  I am more blessed that I ever imagined!

The Life of a Military Wife

In the last year I have become something I never imagined.  The wife of a Military Man.  Growing up, if you had asked me who my Prince Charming would be, he would not have been wearing a uniform.  However, through the direction of my all knowing, all loving, all powerful God that has changed.  
I have decided to use this as a sort of journal to document my life as the wife of a United States Airman.
I am extremely proud of my husband and look forward to sharing my adventures, funny stories and even my fears and trials with you all.