My Journey

April 10th 2015 was the same as any other day.  Until something happened that would change my life forever.

You see, I had JUST discovered that I was pregnant.  After five long years of trying to conceive around work, basic training, and deployments it had finally happened.  I was going to have a baby and our little family was going to grow in nine short months.

But my joy was short lived.  It was on that day, April 10th, that I miscarried that precious baby that I was so excited about.  All my excitement came crashing down around me in that one day and I knew that I wold never be the same.

A miscarriage is something that a woman is never prepared for.  There is always a possibility that it could happen but any expecting mother pushes that fear aside and focuses on the joy that comes with knowing you will be holding a precious child in your arms in just months.  Nothing can ever prepare you to lose a child.

My miscarriage came just before Mother's Day.  The one day of the year where Mothers are recognized, celebrated.  I stayed at home in my bed.  When I woke that morning I had told my husband that there was no way I would be going to church that day.  The pain was too raw, my grief too deep.  I knew that going to church and watching mothers be recognized, knowing that I was not going to be able to share in their joy, questioning whether I was a mother or not, was too much.  So I curled up and wept.

As the days and months went on the deep pain in my heart never disappeared.  I simply learned to live with it.  The smallest things would make me dissolve into tears;  hearing of another who got pregnant, learning of a friend who just gave birth, and the date of the 10th each month on the calendar.

It was hard!

But grief is never easy.  It is something that has to be allowed a release.  Something that you learn to cope with.  They say time heals all wounds, and I kept telling myself that.  But, they lied.  The hole in my heart where my child should be will always be there.

What I had to learn the hard way was how to respond to that ache deep in my soul.

For the second time in my life I became angry at God.  I knew He had a perfect plan for my life.  I knew that He had to have had a reason to allow this to happen.  But me, being human, couldn't understand it.  I still don't.

I was angry that God would allow me to conceive only to rip that precious blessing from me.  I was angry that God allowed others around me to be able to have children with seemingly no complications at all.  I was angry that so many around me were able to have children when I was childless.  I was angry that God would allow so many who didn't care for children, or even want to have them, to be blessed with them while there were others around the world who so desperately wanted to have children but couldn't for any number of reasons.

In my mind it wasn't fair.

I spent several hours talking with a friend of mine.  She spent many years struggling to carry a child to term and was blessed with two beautiful daughters.  This friend understood my pain, my heartache, my struggles, and my anger.  She had walked this same road several times before.

During many of our discussions we would talk about the pain of loosing a child during pregnancy, the struggle to be happy for those who seem to have no issues conceiving, and most importantly how to move on.

One day she described something to me that really helped.  This friend asked if I knew about the life of a butterfly.  She then went on to explain that when a butterfly is just a caterpillar it isn't pretty, or graceful.  In fact, many think it is ugly.  But one day this caterpillar will wrap itself up for a time, escape from the world and just be.  Then, days later, what used to be this little caterpillar will emerge from isolation, spread it's beautiful new wings, and FLY!

My friend explained to me that our life was much like that of a butterfly.  Our lives start out as a caterpillar.  Nothing spectacular or particularly unique.  Then, one day, something will happen to cause us to go into a cocoon.  It could be anything;  a death in the family, financial hardship, or in our cases losing a baby.  It's not what sends us into that cocoon that defines us, but what we are when we emerge.

Many people in life stay in that little cocoon after something happens in their lives.  They allow it to consume them, to dictate everything that they do.  It can not break just them, but affect so many others in their lives at the same time.

My friend knew from experience that I couldn't stay in that cocoon.  I had to emerge!  And she knew that just as the caterpillar is transformed into this beautiful, amazing, graceful, and free creature I would be as well.  I would be able to use my personal experience in my ministry to others and help another grieving mother through the same tragedy.

So what did I do?  I prayed every day that I would be just that.  That I could allow Him to work through this trial in my life and that I would come out the other side a stronger, more confident woman.  That I would be able to take this devastating event in my life and use it to help others.

I wanted to be a butterfly!!

Then I did something that I never imagined I would do.  Something that people to this day are still surprised about.  I got a tattoo.

It wasn't something I did lightly.  I spent a long time thinking about it.  But, in the end, I wanted a daily, visual reminder of what my good friend had shown me, a way to share my story with others.

My tattoo consist of the word "Hope" and a pink butterfly.  The word "Hope" is a daily reminder that there is hope in Jesus, hope that one day I will have a child of my own to love and care for.  There is an awareness ribbon the the H of hope that is half pink and half blue, for miscarriage and baby loss awareness.  The butterfly is a reminder that I am stronger now, that no matter what bad or ugly thing happens in my life I am always able to come out the other side even more beautiful than I was going in.  A reminder that God can use anything in my life to mold me into what He wants me to be.

The months that followed were still hard.  I still cried over the loss of my baby, but I had hope.  Hope that one day I could use this event in my life to share Jesus with someone else.

One day, several months later, I was doing a Bible study in preparation for a book that I am working on.  I was studying the story of the rich young ruler and how he had been told by Jesus to give up everything that he had and follow Him.  The young man had walked away, devastated, because his wealth was great.

As I was reading this story in the gospels another, much smaller story stood out to me.  You see, there is this little snippet in the Bible where Jesus was teaching.  People had brought children to Him to pray over and bless but the disciples had essentially told them to just go away.  Jesus then does something that a lot of adults today wont even do.  He turns and tells His disciples to let the children come to Him.  Christ then goes on to say that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.  I suddenly felt a weight lifted from my chest.  Even during the busiest times of His ministry on Earth Christ made time for children.  He held them, blessed them, and told the world how precious they were.

Peace settled in my heart for the first time in months as I realized that my precious child was safe in the arms of Jesus.  That His arms were the first to wrap around my child.  For the first time I was able to smile just a bit thinking about the baby that I carried for just a very short time.

It was while I was thinking about this story that a very close friend texted me to tell me some bad news.  She had just had a miscarriage.  My heart broke into a million pieces all over again knowing the pain and grief that she was experiencing.  I knew how much it hurt to be elated over the impending arrival of a little bundle of joy only for that joy to be suddenly ripped from you leaving a gaping hole in your heart in it's place.  In that moment I knew why God had allowed me to experience what I had.  It was so that I could be there for others that go through the same thing.

There have been plenty of times over the last year and a half that I dissolve into tears thinking about my baby.  The hardest times come in the form of a due date, the arrival and then sudden death of a nephew, the one year anniversary of my miscarriage, holding a beautiful baby girl that was placed in our care in my arms as she sleeps and knowing that I will never experience that with the child I lost, explaining to people why a conservative missionary kid would do something as crazy as get a tattoo, trying my best to be happy for those who announce a pregnancy or have a baby when all I want is the chance to do the same.

I have watched as two people very close to me, who have both suffered the loss of a child in early pregnancy and in early infancy have been able to conceive again and now have beautiful baby boys.  Even as I am beyond excited for them there is the familiar ache in my chest from the loss of my own child.

The grief is ever present, the longing to hold my own child ever near, but through God's grace I am able to share in the joy of others who have walked a similar path.

I still don't fully understand why God allowed my precious baby to be taken from me before I ever even held her.  But, He has given me a peace, an understanding, a knowing that even though I am that one in four women who will experience a miscarriage I can have hope.  He has a plan for my life and even though I may not be able to look past the next day He sees my future, holds it in His hands.




Proof of that fact is named Andrew Leon.  Andrew is a little boy that is 15 days old.  We were given the opportunity to bring him home from the hospital and add him to our family through adoption.  I thank God every day for giving me the opportunity to be "Mommy" to this precious little bundle of joy.

There are still moments when I miss my own precious child.  When I gaze down and the smiling face of a sleeping baby in my arms and wonder what my own baby would look like.  There is still moments of pain, grief, and yes, even anger at times when I think of my baby.  But then I remind myself that even as I hold baby Andrew in my arms my own child is safe in the arms of Jesus.

And let me tell you my friends, there is no better place to be than in the arms of Jesus!

Freely Given - Introduction

I can't get the phrase "Freely Given" out of my head.  It was implanted in my mind about four and a half months ago.  You see, that was when I had a miscarriage at five weeks pregnant.  It devastated me and I honestly didn't know how I was going to go on.  I had lost a child that I had never had the chance to meet.  But then God gave me this idea, this message, this comfort.

Let's explore the meaning of the phrase "Freely Given" for a moment.

Freely:  Merriam Webster describes freely as being done of one's own accord, with freedom from external control, without restraint or reservation.

This indicates that doing something freely means that one does it of their own will, without an outside force, and without holding back.

Given: The Oxford English Dictionary describes this as the past participle of the word give.  To give something means you freely, or of ones own accord, devote, set aside, or sacrifice for a purpose.

From the definitions above we can then conclude that to have 'Freely Given' something means that you of your own free will and choice devote, set aside, or sacrifice something for a specific purpose.

You may be asking what that means to me?  That is precisely what I want to explore in the next few blog posts.  These two words mean so much to me now that I have a new understanding of life, love, and loss.  My hope is that by sharing my thoughts and experience with you I can share with you the profound truth that God has taken the opportunity to share with me.

I invite you to join me on this journey of discovery!

Once In A Lifetime BFF

Making friends isn't always easy.  Especially for a missionary kid like myself.  We traveled around a lot and the friends that I did make didn't always last.  These facts made making and keeping a good friend hard.  I didn't really have anyone that really understood me, that I could tell my secrets too, that knew my deepest, darkest, and sometimes creepiest thoughts.

Then, one day that all changed.

You know when you meet someone and that moment in time changes you for the rest of your life?  I have experienced two of those moments.  Once was when I met my amazing husband.

The second moment happened 18 years ago.  We were celebrating the Fourth of July on the mission field with a whole bunch of missionary families.  The party was just getting ready to start when a new missionary family arrived.  They had several kids, five to be exact, and my sister and I couldn't believe that there were that many kids in one family!  We had never really known a family that large before.

It wasn't all that long later that I found the youngest of the five sitting on a bench.  I knew what she was probably feeling, alone, scared, maybe even sad.  She was living in a new country and with a whole bunch of strange people that she didn't know.  Knowing how hard it is to make friends I decided that I would make things easier and I approached her.  As I sat down on the bench beside her I had no idea how that moment would change my life for forever.

From the moment we spoke to each other we were friends, good friends.

Our friendship was one that consisted of hanging out whenever we could convince our parents to let us.  Not going more than an arms length away when together unless extremely necessary.  Creating a secret code for any written messages.  Getting up before dawn during camp just so we could have a few quiet moments to talk and enjoy a sunrise together.  Staying up all night until seven in the morning during a sleepover only to get up two hours later, all so we could enjoy every single moment together before we had to go our separate ways.  We even came up with nicknames for each other and used them when together.  We were inseparable.

Like all kids though we had to grow up.  We graduated from High School and went our separate ways to college.  Our relationship changed.  It got stronger.  We went at least two years without seeing each other and yet, when we met up again, it was like we had never been apart.  We still knew each other an a deeper level than we knew anyone else.

Even now, years later, we are still friends.  The type of friends who can go five years without seeing each other, barely talking, and yet still know the other so well that words aren't necessary.  The kind of friends that make fools of themselves when they meet in public places because they are too excited to see each other to contain it, and don't care what others think.  The kind of friends that will drop everything on a moments notice in order to be there for the other, even if it means travelling across three states.

This woman has been my friend, my best friend, for just over 18 years now and I wouldn't have it any other way.  We've been there for each other through separation, joy, sadness, grief...even loss.  Goodness, we are both even military wives, and no, we didn't plan that!

My friendship with this woman is unlike any other I have ever, or will ever have.  She is my confidant, my fellow trouble maker, my shoulder to cry on... but most importantly, my friend.

My dear Ace.  The Lord knew what he was doing when he put us together on that bench that Fourth of July all that time ago.  He knew that we would become forever friends and has kept our friendship strong, and growing stronger, through the years.  There are so many times that I don't know what I would have done had you not been there for me.  So THANK YOU!!!  For being my friend, my best friend, my once in a lifetime friend!

I love you Ace!!

Father's Day

I am a Daddy's Girl!

I have been for as long as I can remember.  In fact, one of my favorite memories of my dad was the year that I got to spend his anniversary with him instead of my mom.  I know, I know, he should have been able to spend it with her but he had to go speak at a church and my mom needed to stay at our home church that week.

I remember being so excited that I got to spend time alone with Daddy.  We traveled I don't even remember where.  We spent hours in the car, some of which I slept.  We visited this little church where the parsonage was a really old fire house that used to house horses (I think).  But most importantly, we got to spend some quality time together.

My favorite part about that trip was when we stopped to tour a submarine.  I remember being so excited because it was something that I alone got to share with my Daddy.  We walked through this submarine that was a bit cramped inside but that didn't matter to me, I was with my dad.

Throughout the years my relationship with my Dad has changed.  I am no longer the little girl that would sit on her Father's lap at bedtime and pretend to fall asleep just so that he would have to carry me to bed.  I am no longer the girl who tried to squeeze between mommy and daddy when they kissed just because I could.

I am no longer the little girl that would get in trouble for not cleaning my room, or for putting everything in my kitchen set and under my bed so my room would look clean.  I no longer get spankings for being bad, or privileges for being good.  Things have changed.

Some things have NOT changed though.  My dad has always made sure that I knew that he loved me, whether it be the single red rose he would give me on Valentine's Day, or the way he would come in and tuck me into bed at night, or the way he would be there to guide me as I learned to do something new and scary like ride a bike without training wheels.

Dad has also always been there for me, no matter how far away he is.  When I was little he would always be there to pick me up when I fall, to laugh with me when we did something silly, or to hold me when I cried.  These things haven't changed.  I can still run to my Daddy when I need advice, or when I'm scared or worried, and he still holds me when I cry, even if it is from thousands of miles away.

I love my Daddy more than words can say and I am so thankful that he is MY DADDY!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

It's always so much fun to watch my amazing husband interact with children.  As I watch him play with them, hold them, and just be around them I can't help but think that he is going to be an amazing Father one day!

I had thought that it would happen this year, but sadly I was wrong.  Now as I watch him with other children I become sad, knowing that he will never get the chance to meet our sweet little angel baby on this earth.

I continue to pray, constantly, that God will bless us with children and give my husband the chance to be the amazing Father that I know that he will be.  However, until that time comes I simply watch and smile as he enjoys the company of other people's little ones.

Dear husband of mine, I want to wish you a wonderful Father's Day.  Even as this day is sad for me I can smile at least a little as I think about the happy moment that you and our sweet angel baby will share when we finally meet her in Heaven and how much I will smile as I watch you laugh and play together.

Mother's Day - A Bittersweet Affair

I love my mother, with all my heart!

My mother has taught me many lessons over the years.  As a young child she taught me that she loved me unconditionally, that she cared for me whether I was sick or in perfect health, that she would provide for me regardless of what we actually had.  I know that there were times where I was not easy to love, and I'm sure that caring for a child who is sick is not easy, and yet she persisted.

As I grew older her lessons changed.  She still taught me that she would love, care, and provide for me, but there were other lessons as well.  She taught me responsibility, how to be a true friend, and how to take care of the things that I had.  Granted, I didn't always want to clean my room or be nice to people (especially my siblings), but my mother ensured that I knew how to do these things and why they were important.

Throughout the years the lessons evolved and were added to.  My mother taught me not only that she would always love me but that God loves me unconditionally as well and I need to share that love with others.  She showed me that not only will she always care for me but that God does too and that I should care for others in the same way.  I learned from her that she will always provide for me, regardless of how little we have, and that God will do the same for me.  As she taught me responsibility I learned that everything I had was to be taken care of, and that I was to be thankful for what God had provided for our family.  The only reason I have true friends is because my mother taught me how to treat those I care about, how to be a true friend as Christ is to me.

I have learned a lot from my mother over the years and yet she still continues to teach me, as she always has.
When I met the man that I ended up marrying I learned that my mom had been teaching me more about life than I realized.  She was my example of what a wife should really be.  She cared for my father unconditionally.  It was always obvious that she loved him, regardless of whether or not they were disagreeing at the time.  My mother stood by my father through good times and bad, in sickness and in health.  She loved him, honored him, and cherished him and I got to see it every day.

I never realized what a commitment it was to be married, however I knew how it was supposed to look simply from watching my parents and learning from their godly example.  No, they are not perfect.  However, they love each other with a love that only God can give and they will always stand by each other's side.

The lessons my mother has taught me have made me who I am today!  Without the example from my mother I wouldn't know how to stand by my husband in the bad times.  I wouldn't know how to care for him when he is sick and I would be much more likely to give up on my marriage when we disagree.  The lessons that my mother has spent a lifetime teaching me are the reason that I am the woman that I am today.

I love my mother, more than I can describe, and I am so thankful for everything that she has, and is still, teaching me.

I love you Mommy!

As I grew older and got married I started to look forward to the time when I would become a mother and have the chance to teach a little one the same lessons that my mother has taught me.  I looked forward to the day when I would hold a child in my arms and hear them call me "Mommy".  I looked forward to showing a new little child how amazing the world was.  However, that dream has yet to become a reality.

My husband is in the Military.  This means that he is gone for long stretches of time, and has been for the last 3 years.  It is a life that I agreed to, and accept.  However, this has not made it easy for us to have children.

I have spent a long time longing to have a child of my own.  It is a desire that I have had since the day that I married my wonderful husband.  I never imagined that that dream would come with the challenges, and heartbreak, that it has.

This is why Mother's Day is a bittersweet affair for me.

 I love my mother, I always have and I always will, but, I also long to be a mother myself.  There are days that I watch my husband as he plays with a young child and I can easily see how wonderful a Father he will make some day.  I watch new mothers with their babies and long for one of my own to care for, snuggle with, sing to, and teach just as my mother teaches me.  

Not long ago I thought that my dream had come true, that I finally had the chance to make a difference in the life of a child, my child.  But it was not meant to be.

So now here we are, two days before Mother's Day, and my heart aches.  I long for the child that I will never have the chance to hold in my arms, that I will never get to hear call me "Mommy", that I will never get to watch play with my husband.  I miss a child that I never even had the chance to know!

Mother's Day is going to be quite a challenge for me this year.  In fact, I told my husband that I don't even want to go to church on Sunday.  Why? You ask.  The reason is simple.  The day is set aside to honor Mother's, something that I totally agree with.  However, watching as Mothers are honored is going to be heartbreaking.  It makes me question what makes a mother.  Is a mother simply someone who has given birth to a child?  Adopted a child? Do people even realize that there are a lot of women out there who are mothers but simply never had the chance to hold their child in their arms?  Do people even consider those women mothers?

My heart is in pieces that won't ever go back together the same way again and Mother's Day simply shines a light on all the cracks in my heart.  Something that I am not ready for at this point in time.

So on Sunday, as we all honor Mothers, I ask you to remember those who never had the chance to know their child.  There are more Mother's in the world that never had the indescribable pleasure of holding their newborn in their arms and their hearts could very well be breaking all over again.  Keep these mothers in your prayers as we all spend the day Celebrating our own Mothers.

I love you Mom!  Thank you for everything you have done for me!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

My Angel Baby

To Hope - My Dear Sweet Angel Baby, Born to Heaven on April 10, 2015

From the moment you came into my life I loved you, even though it was four weeks before I knew you were even there. You touched my life for the briefest of moments, and yet I love you as if you had been here for an eternity. My love for you will never end!

My heart broke when you went to be with Jesus. I didn't think that we had had enough time together. I never got to meet you, to touch you, to hold you. But, I did get to love you, from the moment you were conceived.

As much as I wanted to hold you in my arms here on earth Jesus had a different plan for your life. He knew that you were too perfect to spend your time here and instead took you to Heaven to live with Him. So now you sit beside Him, in a land of perfect peace.  

There are people up there who love you too, my grandma and daddy’s grandpa. I know they like to play with you, hold you, love you. So keep them company for me, until I can be with you.

Right now I might be crying, because I miss you so. But Mommy really loves you, that I hope you know. We’ll see each other soon and I’ll hold you in my arms, and you’ll know how much I've loved you, right from the very start.

So stay near to Jesus my dear, run and laugh and play. Spend time with the other Angel babies, and when I meet you up there I’ll hold you and we’ll play. Your Daddy and I love you, and can’t wait to meet you soon. But first we need to finish what God had for us to do.

I love you my little sweetheart, and I’m glad that you are mine, even if I only knew you for a tiny space in time.

I will love you always, Mommy

On Behalf of a Grateful Nation...

"On behalf of the President of the United States,

The United States Navy,

and on behalf of a grateful nation

we would like to present you with this flag

in honor of your loved one's service.

Thank you for your sacrifice!"

These words, or something similar, are said as a tightly folded flag is laid in the hands of a grieving family.

I had the honor of attending a funeral for a friend of mine this last week.  He had faithfully served in the U.S. Navy, worked as a civilian for the Air Force, and was a loving Husband, Father and dear friend to many.

As I attended his funeral, with full military honors, I listened to Taps, watched them fold the flag, and heard them say something similar to the above as they passed the ceremoniously folded flag to the family.  We celebrated and honored the life of a man who was a magnificent example of what a godly man should be.

I couldn't help but pray that it is another 100 years before I have to hear those words for myself!  I pray the the rapture happens before that time comes!  But I know that just as my dear friend was surrounded by friends and family that the same will be true for me.

This leads me to my new determination in life. If there is ever a time I can be there for someone during a time like this I will take it.  It is not easy attending things such as this but I imagine that it is almost impossible for someone if they have no one to lean on for support.  I pray that I am able to be a friend and support to anyone I know that may need it during a time such as this.